A few weeks before we made the actual move to Lethbridge, I got to spend a weekend with some great friends at the Vineyard Church in Campbell River. Gary Best was sharing at a conference there, and on the Friday night He had us pray over those who felt God wanting to release them to ‘dream again’. I felt God strongly prompt me to respond, a choice that resulted in incredible encouragement from God to me. The words of encouragement, direction, and wisdom from God came through 4 guys who also made a choice. They chose in that moment to listen, and to believe that God would use them to speak to my heart and journey.

One of the things God communicated was His intention to ‘draw me to His heart’ in this season. That our time in Lethbridge would be one of preparation, and specifically one of coming close to the Father’s heart (for us, for His church, for the world He created, etc.) Who wouldn’t love a promise like that! It truly did fill me with incredible hope and excitement for our move.

Since arriving, it’s been awesome to see how God is, in no small way, faithfully fulfilling His promise to me. The thing I sometimes forget, is that to come close to the heart of God means an exposing of our own. On one hand that exposing has been incredibly encouraging. To have God so clearly show you who you are in Him and just how much He loves you is life giving like nothing else is. The tough part is the realization that there are still damaged and unhealthy places in my heart. Any time spent in God’s company will inevitably expose those things, as light exposes darkness. It’s been so important to remember that this exposing is no less an extension of His love for me than His words of acceptance and encouragement. It is His love that refuses to leave me with my brokenness, and His deep commitment to my freedom that has Him address the areas of my heart that are incredibly scary for me to look at.

It’s in the face of this ‘darkness’ that I’ve come to realize we have a choice to make. It is a choice of ultimate significance. A choice that can mean light instead of darkness. Like actions carried out in darkness, our lives lived with unresolved hurt and pain… our lives filled with unforgiveness and resentment… our lives paralyzed by secrets and the weight of the unaddressed wrongs we’ve committed… all mean a life continued in the restrictions of our brokenness. God’s desire and offer to us stands in direct opposition to this restricted life. It is that we would “be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” Ephesians 3.19 While the work of healing and restoration is one that only God can do, we do have a key choice to make in response to His offer of life. Galatians 5.16-18 says:

16 So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. 17 The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. 18 But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses.

“So you are not free to carry out your good intentions” is another way of saying this fight has a direct effect on our choices. Daily, in multiple situations, relationships, and even in the confines of our own mind and heart, we are faced with a fight between Spirit and flesh (light and dark). It’s in the face of that fight that we must choose to be led either by the Holy Spirit or by our own plans, ideas, and leanings. We are undoubtedly in need of grace to make this choice well, especially when fear, anxiety, pride, and the like work hard in us to impact the decision. So, it is with a heart of prayer and longing that I turn to God for the grace and faith needed to choose His work in some of the harder places of my heart. I pray too for you as you read this. That the grace of God would allow you to embrace His the offer He makes to you right now… to draw near to Him and know life.

We’ve been in Lethbridge for a week shy of a month now, and we’re settling quickly. The new house is really nice, and we have such an amazing group of friends here. God is providing in amazing ways for our needs in a number of ways. Janna started a new job today, and I’m praying for God’s direction in that area.

I wanted to share the experience I had during the last hour and half of our drive into Lethbridge. As we neared the city and the beginning of this season of preparation and training, I listened to a sermon Todd preached (10/2/11) at River of Life a couple months ago. The sermon was a part of a series He’s teaching right now on what it means to be an apostolic church. As I drove the message began to pour over me… it’s easy to get overwhelmed with personal expectation heading into a season like we’re in. I found that I was feeling the need to ‘make the most’ of our time here, and in turn started to own the journey in a way that made it feel heavy. Todd’s message, stemming from Mark 1.17, encouraged me with these simple words:

“Follow me, and I will make you become fishers of men.”

This simple invitation from Jesus rang out in my heart. Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men. As I sat listening to Todd’s words, God spoke to deep places of me bringing life and peace to this new adventure. It is an incredibly powerful and freeing thing to remember that the ‘making’ is not up to us, but is the continuing work of the creator of creation!

We are so excited to be here, and to quietly embrace the plans of God for us in this season. It will, without question, be incredible to see what God does. With great faith we let go and simply follow knowing He will be faithful to accomplish everything on His heart for this time.

While resting in this promise, I listened to a song that has become my hearts cry in the past year. It’s by an incredible group of guys known as Ascend The Hill, and is titled Spend It All.

Ascend the Hills stuff is all available for free on their site at: ascendthehill.com

The other day I woke up feeling pretty ‘out of it’. The main issue was a deep unrest, and personal frustration with feeling this way again. As I sat down to spend some time in scripture and prayer I was saddened by the realization that I’d ‘lost my bearings’ again. As I reflected on this I began to see that I’d slowly stopped pursuing God in prayer, study, and in generally with my attitude/heart over the couple days previous. In frustration with my self and the situation I sat back and laid a couple questions before God:

• Why do I ‘check out’ like this?
• What causes me to wander off like I do?
• Why do I get so tired, so distracted, so overwhelmed time and again?

God quieted my heart, and then clearly spoke these words to me: “It’s because you think there’s a scorecard”. I began to realize that for me the Christian life can feel like a giant test, and God a watchful eye making notes on a huge scorecard. In fact, I believed this so fully that I began to wrestle it through with God: “If there’s no scorecard, then what’s with the story of the talents in Matthew 25?” I mean, the two servants that doubled the masters investment got the coveted commendation “well done my good and faithful servant” while the one who lost his masters investment was chastised as wicked and lazy!

Then I heard God say “you’ve misunderstood the parable”. Suddenly I began to see the story with fresh vision. I began to see that these men weren’t given money to invest because the master needed them to make him more money. He had lots, and was most definitely capable of investing that money without their help. He invited them to partner with him not out of need, but out of love. The master, in asking these men to invest his money, was saying “I love you, and I know you can do this. I want you to steward this investment for me not because I need you too, but because I want to involve you in the work of my kingdom.” It was with this understanding that the men were to take and invest the money (and the first two did just that.) Somehow the love and trust of the master afforded them the courage to invest and subsequently double his money. This resulted in the joyful praise of the master.

The third man’s experience was very different. His response to the responsibility given to him was one of fear that led to an inability to see that the master believed in him. It made it impossible to see that master would never ask something of him that was beyond his ability. Rather than be inspired and released by the masters trust, he allows this incredible opportunity to become overwhelming. Fears, anxiety, self-doubt, and the belief that he would inevitably fail the master cause him to bury the money in the ground! The third man was unable to see clearly the nature of the master who believed in him. Instead he saw a giant scorecard and was inevitably overwhelmed by the false responsibility and expectations he created for himself.

I have heard so clearly the voice of God saying “I love you, and invite you to join me in the work of the kingdom”. Now I pray for the ability to undo years of thinking that involve a giant scorecard. I pray instead for the ability to run in the freedom that is the Love of a God who believes in me and invites me to a full life with Him.

Lord, Let Your kingdom come.

One of the things God has been showing me is that I don't like to be alone.  Trouble being that even in the most crowded room, the most vibrant church community, and even the most intimate relationship we are alone.  Others can never fully know us, our thoughts, questions, fears.  There are inevitably things of our heart and journey that can only be fully known by God Himself.  Ironically, while I am prone to run from this aloneness into the business of 'good deeds', 'necessary tasks', and 'the work of ministry' it is alone with Christ that I find life to the full.

It's into this between my need for quiet presence of God, and the consistency with which I run from it that the words of Psalm 37 brought me to deep places of prayer this morning.

"Commit everything you do to the Lord,

Trust Him and He will help You.

He will make your innocence as clear as the dawn

And the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

 

Be still in the presence of the Lord,

And wait patiently for Him to act.

Don't worry about evil people who prosper

or fret about their wicked schemes.

 

The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord.

He delights in every detail of their lives.

Though they stumble, they will not fall,

For the Lord Holds them by the hand."

 

Psalm 37. 6-7; 23

"Be Still in the presence of the Lord".  I pray for the freedom and grace needed to enter into the quiet stillness of God today.  This stillness is a stillness consisting of surrender and rest in the aloneness that is mine before Christ, and a confident faith that allows me to approach His throne of Grace with confidence.

"Let him who cannot be alone beware of community."  

"Let him who is not in community beware of being alone."

Luther

 

"only a we are within the fellowship can we be alone, and only he that is alone can live in the fellowship."

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

In a day and age where community has become the object of much of our attention, may we not loose sight of the importance of being still in the aloneness of our relationship with the God who loves us in such life giving ways.

Early in December I resigned at the Salvation Army, and in doing so said yes to God's invitation to "make my heart the priority it is for Him."  In response to this step of obedience I felt God's swift response .  It has been as if He heard me say "yes" and in turn said "good, now here's what we're going to do…"  His presence and willingness to teach me have been increasingly evident.  He has led me to books, people, situations, and specific passages of Scripture.  I have come to know in such an intimate way what Jesus promised when He said the Holy Spirit "will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I myself have told you."  

Right now, God is teaching me, 'the way of the heart'.  I am learning that His love for us, His desires, His plans, His promises, and the gift of salvation are all about our hearts.  Right about the time that I was prayerfully considering what it would look like to take this 'heart journey', I felt led to make my way through I & II Samuel.  Little did I know, God was about to use the stories of men like Saul and David to help me understand His love for and commitment to the shaping of my heart.  Reading I Samuel 13 was one of the many moments where I felt schooled by the Holy Spirit in this way.  

Chapter 13 tells the story of King Saul waiting to go into battle.  Saul has been anointed by Samuel as the first king of Israel, and at 30 years old is waiting to lead his army into battle against a large and terrifying army of Philistines.  Before entering the battle, Saul has been instructed to wait for Samuel to arrive.  As the story goes, after seven days of waiting Samuel still hasn't shown up.  Seeing the growing sense of fear and anxiety in his men (and most likely in himself) Saul decides it's best to take matters into his own hands, and he performs a sacrifice himself that was to be performed by Samuel upon his arrival. 

Samuel arrives just as Saul is finishing and confronts Saul.  "What is this you have done?"  Saul's response is interesting, and ultimately acts as a spot light on the deepest places of his heart.  "I saw my men scattering from me, and you didn't arrive when you said you would, and the Philistines are at Micmash ready for battle.  So I said, 'The Philistines are ready to march against us, and I haven't even asked for the Lord's help!;  so I felt obliged to offer the burnt offering myself before you came."  The self justification is incredible here, but all too familiar if we're honest.  It's incredible how given a selfish heart, rather than the heart of God, our waiting can so quickly turn to self justified action.

The real lesson of this story for me came in God's response to Saul through Samuel.  God instructs Samuel to inform Saul that due to this act of disobedience "your dynasty must end, for the Lord has sought out a man after his own heart."  Now, I grew up hearing the stories of scripture, and so when I read these words I remembered them as being spoken of David.  David was 'a man after God's own heart' (Samuel 16, Acts 13.22).  The contrast between two men lived their lives brought understanding to me in an instant.  This journey, this life, this invitation into relationship with God is not about winning, being successful, accumulating wealth and reputation, or even about being 'perfect' (David certainly wasn't that – II Samuel 11 as an example among many.)  It is about surrender to God and His 'way of the heart'.  

I have reflected on these things a lot since God showed them to me a couple months ago.  Choosing to leave my job and the security, opportunity, and notoriety that it afforded me seemed like a strange and illogical choice in many ways.  I wrestled with how irresponsible and unexplainable it felt on a number of fronts.  Then, into that place of anxiety came the understanding that what often seem like the ridiculous and unexplainable plans of God, are in fact brilliant when understood in light of the commitment he has to the health of our hearts.  Saul being asked to wait for Samuel (I Samuel 13), Gideon scaling back his army (Judges 7), Peter being invited out of the boat and onto the water (Matthew 14), Jesus going to the cross (Luke 22-24)…  In the light of my human tendency towards success, power, relevance, and recognition His ways seem next to insane (as if designed as some sort of grand standing attempt on His part.)  In actuality, His ways are perfect and wonderfully purposed. They are plans to prosper me, and to grow me as a 'man after his own heart.' 

I have been really challenged lately by a small book by Dietrich Bonhoeffer titled 'Psalms – The Prayer Book of the Bible .  Though this book is few in words, it is full of insight.  It speaks to a discipline that Bonhoeffer often referred to as integral to the life of a disciple of Jesus.  He eloquently describes the reason when he says

"If we wish to pray with confidence and gladness, then the words of the Holy Scripture will have to be the solid basis of our prayer.  For here we know that Jesus Christ, the Word of God, teaches us to pray."

For many years I've known prayer to be central to the life of Christ and his followers.  Men and Women of God who I respected most, and knew as having an intimate relationship with God were all people of prayer.  In addition, I experienced the power of prayer many times in my personal life, family, and heard countless stories of how prayer was impacting the lives of many in the church. 

While the idea of prayer is incredibly simple (I was able to pray almost as early as I was able to speak) it's complexities have often kept me distant from it.  I find comfort in the realization that the 12 men who walked closest to Jesus had much the same issue.  As disciples of Jesus they would have spent considerable amounts of time praying.  They were discipled by Jesus, and He was a man of prayer.  Often he woke early, slipped off into quiet places, and led his disciples into places of prayer.  His example and encouragement stirred an awareness in the disciples much like I often find in me.  It also stirred in them an awareness of their inability in this area.  In the presence of Jesus and His example of a prayer filled life, the disciples raise a petition that has reflected the desire of my heart many times on this journey: "Lord, Teach us to Pray" Luke 11.1

Interestingly enough, this  petition (followed by the Lord's prayer and some incredible instruction on prayer) comes at the beginning of the Sermon on the Mount.   It was the study of these revolutionary teachings from Jesus that fueled a much larger book by Bonhoeffer called "The Cost of Discipleship" .  It becomes obvious that Bonhoeffer's desire is to point us exclusively to the life, example, and teachings of Jesus.  A life of prayer is, as Jesus showed us in word and action, central to the cost of discipleship.  It is this integral nature of prayer that makes me so grateful for the willingness of Jesus to answer our call for instruction.

Bonhoeffer points out that it's Jesus who teaches us to pray still today as we use the Word of God as the basis for our prayers to God.  I have started to spend in the Psalms in a new way since encountering Bonhoeffer's encouragement to do so.  I've taken to them as a guide for me in my prayer life, feeling as if Bonhoeffer was speaking directly to my life when he laid down the challenge

"If we were dependent entirely on ourselves, we would probably pray only the fourth petition of the Lord's Prayer. ()  But God wants it otherwise.  The richness of the Word of God ought to determine our prayer, not the poverty of our heart."

Too often, my circumstance, emotional state, guilt/shame, or anxiety have dictated the content of my prayer.  I relive that God wants to hear the honesty of my heart, but see too the rich blessing that comes from the Father in the form of discipline.  To enter into the Psalms as a basis for my prayer allows me to be led by Jesus in every season of the journey.  It is to acknowledge Christ as the way, the truth, and the life in every prayer we enter into.  It is to ask Him: "Teach us to pray" and to allow Him to answer this petition by way of the Holy Spirit.  

In conclusion I wanted to share the richness of this practice in my prayer life already.  I have simply been reading the Psalms regularly, and embracing their words as the content of my prayers.  The other day I read Psalm 5 and it spoke truer my heart in prayer than my words ever could.  It was a true experience of Christ's leading and teaching in my journey.  A treasured experience that I pray continues to move my prayer life from the poverty of my heart to the richness of Jesus Himself.

"Because of Your unfailing love, I can enter Your house;  I will worship at Your Temple with deepest awe.  Lead me in the right path, O Lord, or my enemies will conquer me.  Make Your way plain for me to follow."  Psalm 5.7-8

It's been just shy of two weeks since I finished my job at the Salvation Army.  Already I've been deeply encouraged by the intentional work of God in my life.  I spent the past 4 days in Lethbridge with the community at River of Life .  We got connected with ROL in November when we went to Lethbrdige to visit Janna's brother Rob and his family.  Rob and Sarah are in Lethbridge training to plant a church, and we went shortly after the birth of our newest niece.  Part way through our visit we went to a training evening ROL and reconnected with Todd Atkinson (their lead pastor and a man that I originally met when I was about 10.)  That encounter saw us surprised by God in the most amazing way.

I've come to see that Todd and an ever growing group of friends at ROL are a direct answer to my prayers for help.  When God spoke to me of the priority He places on my heart, and Janna and I both discerned together that we were to make significant room for that heart journey, I began to pray two things specifically.  First I began asking God to show me how to respond practically to His invitation (a prayer that ultimately led to my leaving the job at the Salvation Army.)  At the same time, I realized my inability to walk the way of the heart, and began to lift up a short, simple, but heartfelt prayer to God for help.  He has so faithfully been answering that prayer.  The connections I've made in and through ROL are a significant way that answer has worked itself out.

I find myself coming away from my visit in Lethbridge feeling so blessed and cared for by God.  Saying yes to this heart journey was hard, but He has been ever faithful in response.  Already He is meeting our needs and doing it with great extravagance.  I find that again I am being deeply impacted and amazed by the faithfulness with which God connects people.  In His divine grace and wisdom He has brought people into our journey.  These 'divine connections' are for me the most significant sign of God's attention and active participation in this Heart Journey.  I am deeply grateful knowing that the way of the heart, while experienced alone at the deepest levels, is also lived in the presence of community established by God in our lives.

I pray that as you read this you too would be given eyes to see the incredible ways God is working to fill your journey with divine connections.  I pray the blessing of friendship would be one that causes you deep joy today.  

This past couple months have been amazing.  In late September Brent and I traveled to Kelowna to meet with others on a faith/church journey similar to ours here in the Valley.  We spent our time as a group sharing our community journey's, and praying for each other at length.  Personally I went expecting this to be a time of rich encouragement that would ultimately launch us in a 'new direction' as a community here in the Comox Valley.  I think in many ways I was right in that it was to be the beginning of our next season, but I couldn't have been more wrong in my expectations for what the season would look like. 

For the last 4+ years  we've lived here in Comox, and have known that in coming God was taking us into a season of rest and restoration.  We have grown to deeply love this place, and feel very at home here.  God has blessed us with rich friendships, a home that we enjoy, and a future that is filled with possibility and excitement.  Throughout this past few years we've really connected with the church as a whole in the Valley, and continue to pray about our connection/place within it.  Presently we meet with a small group in our homes, and our lives lived out together continue to be a rich treasure.  The intimacy of this smaller group has challenged us to press into greater depths of what it is to be real, share life, and really take hold of what Christ calls us too as His followers.  I'd be lying if I didn't share the wrestle we often have as a group.  Inside of each of us (myself more than most) is a tendency to feel too small or too insignificant.  Should we be 'growing' in number?  Should we be joining a larger community?  Should we be creating ministries, opportunities, etc?  

As I traveled Kelowna, I went hoping to encounter some divine wisdom that would launch us into what's next.  To my humble amazement, God did speak very clearly, but what He said couldn't have been further from what I expected (or perhaps wanted) to hear.  "The season of 'waiting' isn't over".  I clearly heard Him call me back to the depths of a heart journey that He's had us on over the past number of years.  I realized that I had begun to think the season of restoration was over.  In reality God wasn't finished.  As I pressed into this prayerfully with friends, I heard God speak the words that I believe will shape the immediate future for Janna and I.  He said "Your heart is my number one priority, and whatever you choose to do next be sure to make it yours as well." 

These words brought tears to my eyes as I felt immediately overwhelmed by the love and care of God.  In a time where I was starting to feel self expectation to be and do more with my life, my situation, my gifts, etc… He gently came and reminded me that His agenda isn't driven by a desire to see me accomplish or achieve anything.  He simply, completely, and unconditionally loves me, and that love shows itself in His deep desire to see me whole and free.

Janna and I have taken this revelation very seriously, and over the past few months have prayed long and hard about what this call was to mean for our daily lives in a practical way.  How do we best allow my Heart the space it needs to encounter that life changing work of the Holy Spirit?  Specifically, we've prayed about weather I was able to obediently peruse what God had planned while still in my role at the Salvation Army.  Over the course of a couple months we came to see that God was asking me to lay it down, and to follow Him into a healing journey.  So, it is with much prayer that I've made the very difficult decision to leave my job at the Salvation Army as of January 1st.  While the leaving is sad on so many levels, it is filled with hope and excitement knowing that God has so clearly asked it of me.  

Janna knew before I did that God was asking this of us, and we're really thankful to Him for the peace that He's provided us in the midst of this transition.  I don't know what's next job wise, or how God will meet our needs.  I do know that He will continue to faithfully care for us.   Verses like

The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.  He lets me rest in green meadows;  he leads me beside peaceful streams.  He renews my strength.   He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.  Psalm 23.1-3

and

 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’  These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.  Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.  “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.  Matthew 6.31-34

have struck me in a fresh way during these past few weeks.  God is so present in our lives, and it's with great anticipation that I wait on Him today.  He is so faithful, and I love Him more and more for that.